Finding Strength Through Music - Why I'm a "super fan"

Every time I've sat down to write this I would come up completely blank. I spent more time staring at the blinking cursor than actually writing words. There are so many things I want to say. I wish I could take what I am feeling in my chest and bottle it instead. Now that I've written it and I am about to press publish, I am feeling quite nervous because this blog is very exposing.

I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to convey just how thankful I am that Friday night (28^th January) happened. Not just because Amanda Fucking Palmer and Kim Boekbinder were at my house because yes, that is a rare experience for anyone to have, but I am thankful for how hosting such an event made me feel. For the first time ever I actually feel proud of myself, like I actually achieved something.

I still can’t believe I managed to pull it off with such short notice. Sure things didn’t go perfectly. I didn’t raise enough money to cover everything, so if this were an actual “gig” in which I was meant to at least break even, then it would be considered a failure. But I raised enough to enable me to cover the rest...just! Plus it wasn’t meant to be a gig, and no money in the world is worth more than what I, and everyone who attended, gained from that experience, it was priceless!  It was a complete success in my eyes. The fact that everyone has since come to me telling me how thankful they are to have been a part of it has made me feel so proud to have aided in giving it to them.  

There were things I’d planned for the night that didn’t happen, mostly because I was quite overwhelmed the whole time and forgot, but it doesn’t matter in the end, and that is something that I’ve always found difficult to accept in other realms of my life. There is no such thing as perfect, but that night, it was better than perfect. 

I was worried that people wouldn’t feel like they got what they paid for, but I have since been assured that everyone did, that it is a night they’ll all cherish forever, and that makes me feel so happy and proud. I have literally started smiling at random moments in the day ever since, this is something I am not accustomed to.

Now, the reason why feeling proud of myself is such a foreign thing for me, well I struggle with many, I guess you could say, mental health issues. I have severe depressive disorder, an anxiety disorder, and an eating disorder that although isn’t as prominent now still affects me on a daily basis. I have also experienced social phobia in the past which again isn’t as prominent now, but was definitely present on the night, and is something I pushed through, mostly.

These mental health issues have nearly literally cost me my life, and have cost me many years of living. I am now closer to 30 than 20 and still feel like a teenager in many ways as a result, and I have come to accept my body will never work as well as it should again due to the damage I caused it. On the night we all introduced ourselves and Amanda suggested we include what our deepest fear was when we did so. These issues are the reason I was very reluctant to declare what my greatest fear is on the night. I will declare it now as being “that I’ll never overcome these issues and will never truly actually live.”

The anxiety disorder is what affects me the most right now, and what has always prevented me from feeling proud of anything I have “achieved” and therefore gotten in the way of me actually trying much of the time. The anxiety comes from feelings of worthlessness, and a complete lack of confidence. I can list my “achievements” but I don’t feel the pride that should come with it, and I don’t consider them to be achievements when others do (hence why I can’t even write my “achievements” without the “ “s!)

For example; there is my internship. I managed to get the internship and I continue to turn up and try my hardest even though the anxiety I feel whilst there is almost unbearable at times, and I should be proud that I do it but I always find a reason that I shouldn’t be.

… Anyway enough of that woe is me bullshit, this blog is a positive one and I am off on a tangent now… the point of it all is, I feel proud right now. I not only made it happen, but I made 33 people enormously happy by doing so, and that feeling is the most amazing thing in the world. Without me taking on the challenge and actually taking the time and effort to organise it, it wouldn’t have happened. It was a massive risk but it paid off far more than I ever anticipated it could. I knew I’d be blown away by having Amanda Palmer play at my house, but I didn’t think I’d gain this much from it.

The reason I keep following Amanda Palmer’s career doesn’t end with my adoration for her music, it is because she does things differently, and she utilises her fans along the way. She encourages her fans to BE INVOLVED with her career. You become part of the experience. You’re not just a bystander waiting to be entertained by her. It is rewarding in that you are not only moved by her performances, but you are left with a sense of usefulness and belonging. A number of her employees began as fans!

I spoke to Amanda and her tour manager Eric at the gathering and at first I didn’t really know what I should take away from our conversation. Initially I was discouraged about continuing my current career path by what Amanda said. She told me working in the music industry, specifically publicity, is a very thankless job. She is definitely right and this is something I’ve been struggling with a lot lately, and until that night, and that conversation I had pretty much made the decision to give up on my dream.

I’d like to believe I don’t want to work in the industry for the thanks, I want to do it because music is everything to me, but sometimes it really does get to you when you go out of your way, especially when it’s at your own expense, to help those artists who don’t even utter those two simple words in your direction. Yes it’s their art, and many times the art is enough to speak for itself, but sometimes it needs a little help to get out there to be seen or heard. What’s the point of a beautiful song if the artist who created it doesn’t know how to find it an audience, or doesn’t know how to organise their own gigs effectively? (I know there are many artist’s out there capable of creating their art and taking care of the business side as Amanda does, but I also know that even she can’t do everything because of lack of time!)

My conversation with Eric was far more optimistic. Yes he told me how unglamorous life on the road actually is, about the many sacrifices you need to make along the way; that you’ll lose friends and your family will hate you at times, but then he said he wouldn’t change it for the world. His greatest fear was that he would one day have to stop and get a “real job”. He obviously loves what he does and that is what I want from life.

Organising that BBQ was stressful as hell. I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about getting everything done in time and I didn’t eat for 3 days leading up to the event. But then it all came together in the end and I looked out at all the people there and their faces were beaming. Amanda, Kim and Eric seemed to be happy as well, and I felt accomplished.

I know that publicity is not what I want to do forever, I really want to get into organising gigs and tours and I think the fact that I have organised successful gigs in the past, but more importantly I organised this gathering in such a short amount of time is proof that given enough practice and the opportunity I CAN DO IT. Saying those 4 words is something I’ve never actually said about myself and believed up until now. I know it was a small gathering, but it worked. The majority of those people were strangers but now we share that experience, and that’s something truly beautiful.

I managed to organise everything from the payment to the food to how each person was getting to and from my house and I did it in a matter of days and I am proud, so proud that I actually don’t care that I am boasting about it now in this blog. I want to own it for a change.

Feeling proud about what I accomplished with that gathering has helped me feel a sense of pride for my other achievements as well; such as the other gigs I have managed to organise successfully. It has always felt good to stand amongst a crowd in a venue where everyone is enjoying themselves knowing that you were a very important part in making it happen.

I also feel proud about the publicity campaign I put together for Amanda’s Uke EP. I had no guidance and weathered a number of obstacles and I have very few contacts at this stage, but that EP was reviewed in some of Australia’s most prominent music press in print and online. Yes it was largely due to Amanda’s existing popularity, but it was my persistence that got those reviews in the end.

Idioteque was added to rotation on Sydney’s most popular community radio station. I sent Map Of Tasmania to one of my contacts and it was played during a DJ set in front of THOUSANDS of people at Falls Festival, (I paid for it first!) I also hooked up Amanda’s PA, “Super Kate”, with Holly Austin, the beat boxer who performed during Map Of Tasmania in Australia’s, if not the world’s, most prominent music venue, the Sydney Opera in front of 2000+ people!

All this was the result of my willingness to ignore the anxiety and take action, to not just be a fan of the music, but put in an effort to be a part of it in my own way. It’s an incredibly small way but when Holly Austin walked onto that stage; when I got the email from my contact that he played Map Of Tasmania IN TASMANIA in front of thousands; and every time I saw a new review get published, it made me feel something. What is most important is my willingness would mean nothing if Amanda wasn’t the artist and person that she is and allowed me that opportunity. For that I am eternally grateful.

I think that other than the absolute fucking awesome talent that she radiates, it’s the level of fan involvement she allows into her career, and her life in a way, that will to allow her to take over the world.  

Amanda Fucking Palmer makes me feel encouraged. I guess it’s because she gives people a chance that other artists don’t, and for this reason, my WANT to do anything I can to help her actually outweighs the anxiety that is associated in doing so. She didn’t ASK me to do publicity for the Uke EP; I asked her and her team got back to me. I don’t know of any other artists at her level of popularity that would even entertain the idea of giving me a chance like that. Sure I was offering them a service, but they needed to have some trust that I wouldn’t fuck it up. So when it comes to her, I see something I can potentially do and I try to do it rather than dwelling on the panic and anxiety I will inevitably feel while doing it. The panic/anxiety is what normally comes first in my mind. I guess that is what believing in something/someone or being passionate about something is all about… ignoring what effect it may have on you and doing it anyway.

So yes, I wish I didn’t have the shortcomings I do. The BBQ would have been an even better experience for me because I would have had the confidence to go outside more and mingle with everyone and get to know the people who I helped give that experience. I’ve been in contact with a lot of them daily ever since and they really are all extremely wonderful. I wouldn’t have avoided Amanda as much as I could because I felt like whenever we spoke all eyes were on us, and I feared everyone would be thinking I was taking up too much time with her if I tried to talk to her for more than a few moments. Not to mention that fucking voice in my head yelling at me that I am not worthy of talking to her, or that I’m boring and a manner of other horrible things I think about myself.

I spent a lot of time stressing about driving Amanda, Kim and Eric back to the city, because although I continuously do it, driving is one of my greatest anxieties. I REALLY wanted to do it though and it didn’t happen in the end. Maybe I would have had the confidence to have declined when Eric said Ian would take them. (That is nothing against Ian, he is a top guy and I hold no ill feelings towards him for that!!!)

But I managed to relax enough to talk to Eric and Amanda, and those conversations, and the fact the night was such a success is something that has given me the confidence to continue to pursue a career in the music industry, thankless or not. Maybe now I’ll actually pursue what I really want to do.

Amanda’s song “In My Mind” strikes a massive chord with me right now. I really want to one day be the person that I want to be and I know I am a long way off that right now, but I feel this experience has taken me one step closer. 

Kim BoekBinder, Myself and Amanda Fucking Palmer